Al's comment:  Although there is no truth in the above story, I must award 10 points for originality and the fact it contains no four letter words :-) Actually sounds a bit like an episode of Southpark with Mr Garrison (sp).

Al's comment:  No! I was waiting for a few more to make it worthwhile to update the page! They're slack out there y'know.

Al's comment:  No, not a personal insult to me. See below.

Al's comment:  OK, OK I heard you the first time. Tip: With those big old Scotch fingers it's OK to dunk them in tea but you're not supposed to insert them in your anus. Can tend to clog you up. Think yourself lucky you didn't get rock cakes.

Al's comment:  "biggest"?? is that a compliment?

Al's comment:  Just call it for me. Here goat.. here Goat.. HERE GOAT @echo: here goat.. Face it, your goat is DEAF.

Al's comment:  HELP!! This is from a friend TONY "SMITH" who drives his missus crazy by picking up geriatric computers.

If you have any SX 486 computers that need a retirement home feel free to contact Tony. To avoid serious harm to Tony such as his missus testing a cast iron pot on his head, he urgently requires a storage area in NE NSW free of cost.

You will be able to visit your senile old computer.

Al's comment:  You wish!!?? (Sorry 'bout cen*or*ng, Se* A*st*n may get mad at you.) Our health minister is 'orright though.

Al's comment:  How sickeningly sweet!!

Das computermachine ist nicht fuer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen. Das rubbernecken sichtseeren keepen das cotten-pickenen hans in das pockets muss; relaxen und watchen das blinkenlichten.

Al's comment:  ACHHOOO! ARRSHHIT PEPPER IN MY EYES!

Dad's first computer was nicked by four lightfingered burglars with gloves. They broke the door lock, pulled the alarm fuses and got spitz the guard dog pissed on sparkling wine. They first nicked windows for workgroups being fools. Dad's condoms were never found along with mum's cotton underwear with handy pockets; laxatives, dad's watch and flashlight.

Al's comment:  She went back to sitting on the fridge because the TV repair man said her magnet messed with the colour.

Al's comment:  No wonder you didn't want to put your name to this incomplete insult. Everyone knows you left out "old". Sorry about the "**". It's for the kiddies and the Old Purity God of the Internet, S*n A**t*n.

Al's comment:  Maybe become big star in Asia on cover of recipe book.

Al's comment:  Paint it black and leave it in the sun.
Remember, don't leave a dog in it, not even a mangy, flea-ridden, malnourished, neutered miniature poodle with one ear, no teeth and stinky breath.

answer
his personality

Al's comment:  I've alway been worried about using rubber in case I fall asleep and it suffocates.

Al's comment:  That's a novel insult and a single cylinder Suzuki model but I do prefer Barbarian!

Al's comment:  like a vacuum cleaner salesman?

Al's comment:  Can chop wood too...

Al's comment:  Don't you hate that when you move to a small town and the VI job is already taken. Anyway where we are now is much bigger than a village and being a high unemployment area, the Suburban Idiot gig is fiercely contested. I mean, you need a f*n resume and references!

Al's comment:  Two heads are better than one.. or so I've been told by a Tasmanian.

Al's comment:  Please explain..??.. a stick of Blackpool Rock??

Al's comment:  I had great answer for this but thought, best not get sued or worse still have to eat their fast/junk food made from scum, cardboard and bum algae.

Al's comment:  Gee thanks. I go out of my way to prove it too.

Al's comment:  I had a dropped nut once, it's called a hernia. What! I had painful surgery for nothing?

Al's comment:  Yes! We are in fact in the Southern Hemisphere :-)

Al's comment:  I consider being run down by a P76 to be less traumatic than owning one.

Al's comment:  No! Pythagoras is a type of snake. Newton is a tonne. Gallileo is space junk.

Al's comment:  What a horrible fate for all those poor little fleas.

Al's comment:  Now that's a nasty way to wake up your mum. I've told you never hit your mother with a shovel. It leaves a bad impression on her mind. S'pose you did it on mothers day :-) a fresly dug up garden and a bunch of flowers?

Al's comment:  The human genome project found that we all share 98.4% of our genes with a chimpanzee.

Al's comment:  Sorry about the censorshi* but we must keep it reasonably clean for our com*unic*tions mi*ister and the ki*dies. Bet you say that to all the boys.

Al's comment:  Keep trying. You must be able to kiss your belly button from the inside.

Al's comment:  I don't think you get your virginity back when you die but just to be sure I'll ask a nun.

Al's comment:  You like that ass word don't you?:-) What's long, red and f*cks gays..? Dynamite!!!

Al's comment:  According to mum/mom, in the '50's they didn't have sex. Sex was invented in the '60's. Apparently one fine morning in 1953 I was found in the garden under a cabbage.

Al's comment:  That's what you get when you let people play with your deck.

Al's comment:  I don't mind getting my ass/arse kicked, just don't touch it or your dead.

Al's comment:  Nah, you're secret's safe with me.

Al's comment:  I'm either too tired or I've got a headache.

Al's comment:  If you pull programs out of your arse don't forget the (cw) Crappywipe :-)

Al's comment:  I'm standing on my head, guess again.

Al's comment:  I'm saving for a pair of scissors and a newspaper.

Al's comment:  Hand me the chainsaw.

Al's comment:  No, it's true I tell you.  Car salesmen are all honest.

Al's comment:  Waddaya want for nothing?  Billy Connelly?  Semi-humourous,??  ..  the gay teaching his babies to swim in the toilet or a constipated gay guy wanting an abortion?  I hope you meant "cool" as a sarcastic comment.  I'm not getting paid for this you know!  I don't want to make a career out of it.

Al's comment:  Doesn't rate as a personal insult to me but not bad.  When very drunk should that be 'the two.. no .. three of you's twins are verrhy ug..hic..culy'.

Al's comment:  But you think I am worth it since you have bothered.  How nice.

Al's comment:  Let me get this straight, I'm a perambulating dunny full of shit and don't possess wit, just crappy charisma.  Hope you liked my Crappywipe.

Al's comment:  Hmmm.. possibly a gay or bi Al.  Probably owns a volvo AND an MG.

Al's comment:  A wandering dog food eating slimy yellow seabird with bad teeth?  Now that's different.

Al's comment:  At last, a Bah for my collection.

Al's comment:  Yeah, sorry, no porn, no roadkill Koalas.  Must keep it clean for the kiddies and Sen. A**t*n.

Al's comment:  And probably before.  Another classic:  If S#!T were brains you couldn't even raise a fart.

Al's comment:  Lighting your farts is the only cure.  Mind you don't burn down a castle or end up in orbit.

Al's comment:  Oh, I'm a GP now am I?  OK, my diagnosis.  Although Hung Tu Hi is very thin you shouldn't use your anorexic little brother as a windchime nor use his buck teeth as an xylophone.  I know why he's so thin.  It's from trying to eat with a fork.  The spotty condition all over his face isn't acne, it's puncture wounds.  Tell him Al said G'day and tap the little fellow on the feet just for me and give him back his chopsticks.

Al's comment:  How disgusting.  Sen A*sto* is still trying to deal with your type using these naughty words on "the Internet".

Al's comment:  I will be if you've got a million dollars sweeties.  Oh no, so many replies from bent billionaires.  The price has gone up.....a lot.

Al's comment:  According to the Bureau of Stiffdicksticks 76.234% of post pubescent males are wankers, the rest are liars or born without balls!!

Al's comment:  You must have me confused with a Southpark identity; a boy's college principal; a religious leader.  I reckon e-mail is totrely GAY!!.. and Resumé, well what can I say, a frog poof word - noun?

Al's comment:  ..is 4, 5 6?

Al's comment:  A mechanics armpit is far too toxic to support fleas.  The strain of fleas that infest koalas were found to originate around greenies genital areas.  Setting fire to the pubic hair is the only known cure leading to the terms 'bushfire' and 'brushfire'.

Al's comment:  No thanks jennifer, waiting patiently for the (more prestigious and financially rewarding) public shithouse cleaner position.  Sorry that I removed the name and location of the workplace I left (a lucky) 13 years ago (Al the prick, Censor).  It's still unsafe?  I did my bit.  I probably wasted my time but we can only blame the (do nothing, seat polishing, tea sipping with the boss, too frightened to go into the evil, dark rat infested workshop) Government authorities, the two (obviously desperate for advertising) multinational (fuel and car) companies, the Australian (h.e.l.p) insurance company who's also a well-known break down service (that doesn't care if the "mechanic" farting about with your vehicle is licenced) whose management should be smeared in offal (at least once a week) for having their name on this “workshop".  That was a bit lengthy because Jennifer is a friend.

Al's comment:  Talk about a waste of space, billions of uninhabitable planets.  At least you stayed off the # long enough to get this planet right.  Pity about earthquakes, tidal waves, volcanos, cyclones, droughts, famines, Senator Alston etc, but at least you tried.  Is that big booming voice caused by a parabolic reflection off the inside of your skull?  I ask you this because when Popes and Monks try to imitate the big booming voice they blow all the hair off the back of their head, then have to wear a small shock absorbing protective cap in case the reverberation cracks their skull.  It's now clear to me why they have a vow of silence, they don't want to go bald.  I believe in you now because I saw you on a religious episode of Southpark.

Tips for apprentices: (1) "Needs a head job" refers to the cylinder head, not the boss. (2) "Slipping clutch" is not wanking. (3) "Kick her over" does not refer to the lady customer nor does (4) "pour petrol down her throat" and also don't walk behind her like a duck with your tongue hanging out, listening for (5) "her bottom end knock".

Al's comment:  I prefer, Professional Idiot 1st Class.

Al's comment:  The pink spiders tell me I'm fine.  Couldn't find canned crushed ass/arse holes only packets of compressed dates.

Al's comment:  You could have at least sent me the software to work it out.  ZOMBIE.BAS below came up with 9.

CLS
INPUT "First number in your age"; A
PRINT ""
INPUT "Second number in your age"; L
zombie = A + L - 1
PRINT ""
PRINT " Your IQ is "; zombie
END

Al's comment:  This isn't a personal insult to me, but I hate to discard a good insult.  All fat white smelly mommas are now after yo body.

Al's comment:  I'm really trying to picture that, an almost hacked on idiotic sludge bucket.

From:  Fiasco
Insult:  You are a festering boil, AND you look like a faggot housefly munching on a dangling wart-ridden testicle.

Al's comment:  Just a common poofter housefly, not a blowfly, what an insult!

(cw) Crappywipe 2000 by Al (Crappywipe is a registered skidmark)

Al's comment:  Is that IT!?!?  Granted, they were both four letter words.

Al's comment:  Tere I sat wanting to sit when someting squeezed my ead.  Sit!!  Wat was tat?

Al's comment:  I look and smell worse than that if I don't wash or shave for a month and what do you mean "or", I've got both these qualities, and no, it doesn't hurt.  I just occasionally disappear unexpectedly.

Sorry children, the "c" word was cleaned up for Senator Alston.

Al's comment:  Didn't you just hate it when parents in the 1950s left you under a boulder just because your first words were 3 = 4.75 and a quarter, goo, burp (horribly disfigured) but it was far worse to be planted knee deep in manure, sprayed and dusted with DDT, 2,4-D & BHC.  Boulder = Massive Rock squared.  (B=MR²).

Al's comment:  Thanks for the offer but I'll pass, anyone got Lewinski's number?
Have a Happy New Year Jim.

Al's comment:  I was hanging out for a beer.  Do you become a greenie when you drink from the fountain of snot?

Al's comment:  Yeah, but it strangled a cute little seal.

Al's comment:  Why me?  I'm sure you'll find someone else to give you one.

Al's comment:  A full box of Einstein's hair, wow.

Al's comment:  Phew!  Still got a liver and at least one nut.  Where did that milk come from?  Tell me, are you loathsome tonight?

Al's comment:  You should give up beating the s#!t out of people with false water rats on a stick.  I use rare and endangered plants myself.

Al's comment:  Miracle Authorities warn that interferring with virgins may cause a Millennium bug.

Al's comment:  My secret is I use a manure pack fresh from the cow then 30 minutes later rinse lightly with cow wee which washes the hair as well, then blow dry with cow gas.  Why?  Because I'm worth it.  I use gunpowder for eye shadow and to take out grey (gray) not that I had any.

Al's comment:  Thanks, but Gorbie has enough rattles.  Never been called youe before.

Al's comment:  I vibrated a lot.

Al's comment:

Al's comment:  You're wrong.  It means I'll be a car salesman or politician next and then a fly.

Al's comment:   You're right!  The doctor cut a bit off when I was born either because it was too long or maybe he was short of rubber bands.  Calamary anyone?  Perhaps the doctor thought it would mutate into a steering wheel cover and drive me nuts.
I don't have "affordable private" cover.

Al's comment:  You are really too polite and you've edited the rude word in case children are watching.  Is sit, $#!T or site?  Is F*** Fark or Free?

Remember:
Wear a helmet - (so you won't be recognised)
Preserve nature - ($#!T near a tree)
Think safely - (don't step in it)
Never hit your mother with a shovel - (leaves a bad impression on her mind)

Al's comment:  Were you having a Good $#!T or something?
Hmmm...Must mean mother shoveler.

Al's comment:  Ok but won't they then be public insults?  It's "flamin" obvious who the next 2 are from.

Al's comment:  Now that IS a personal insult.  Sorry, wasn't me.   BMW's are good for carrying mummies.  No chain for the bandages to get caught in.  I like pooey icky yuckie chains so I don't carry mummies.

Al's comment:  Don't be insulted but this doesn't qualify as a "personal insult" to me.  Mrs R Sole had a baby and didn't flush it?  Hi Da Ho!

C'mon computer nerds, send some more.

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